Victorian Nonsense
by The Insanity of Miss Spark
Summary: A MINTY TALE OF BLACKMAIL! What happened when The Hitcher took a little trip down Fleet Street. Because all you modern types aren't interested in Bretamange and Lily Allen!
1. In Which The 'Itcha Gives a Visit

**Victorian Nonsense**

What happens when The Hitcher takes a little trip down Fleet Street? All characters owned by Sweeney Todd and The Mighty Boosh, I don't own any of them.

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It's a stormy, miserable day in London and customers are scarce for Mrs Lovett, who is leaning bored in a pile of flour on her worktop.

"Oh, I could just sit 'ere all day 'an no one would come through that door" she said quietly to herself, playing with some old dough. "Hmm, I wonder what mista' Todd is doing…"

She stood up and brushed some flour off her dress, barely looking less messy than she was. Suddenly, a flash of lightning burst upon the shop windows and the door flew open, the bell chingling loudly. Mrs Lovett screamed and jumped with fright. A dark silhouette was standing in the door.

Mrs Lovett was frozen in shock. "Please be a customer" she pleaded in her mind. Cackling, cockney laughter echoed through the shop and the dark figure walked into the light, revealing a top hat, green skin with a giant polo for an eye and long grey hair.

"Well well well. What do we 'ave 'ere then?" Said the intruder, still laughing. He walked up to Mrs Lovett, who was wide-eyed in fear. "Ah, it's a little woman, what services do you perform in this establishment my dear?" His face was close to hers, she could smell the pungent, minty breath.

"I… I.. make pies.." her voice quivered.

The frightening, minty green man prodded his cane into Mrs Lovett's forehead.

"I've gotta little proposition for yaaah! You sell yer pies, and give me 'alf tha profit and I won't rape ya behind tha countaah!"

Mrs Lovett tried not to cry, she was so scared of the freaky mint man! She wanted to scream for Sweeney to save her with his mighty razors but she knew the monstrous green bastard would be too powerful.

He cackled again and took his cane away from her face.

"I'll be back to-morrah!" he said and with a flick of his long coat he was gone.

Mrs Lovett slumped down on the floor and began to cry.

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Whooo! First chapter :). Please R&R and tell me your thoughts on what should happen next on this Minty Tale of Blackmail!


	2. Mrs Lovett's Anguish

Victorian Nonsense

Chapter 2 yay! Looks like The Hitcher has given Mrs Lovett her warning! *shocked face*

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Mrs Lovett finally pulled herself together and scrambled up the stairs to the mouldy barber shop where the demon barber himself liked to plough his trade. Even after her threat the world still seemed strange. The usual grey smog that covered London seemed a dark green and the faint smell of pollution had a menthol tinge. She opened the door and shut it quickly.

"M...Mister Todd!" she stuttered. Sweeney stared out of his sky window, too busy dwelling in his murderous thoughts to pay any attention to her. She walked towards him and he snapped out of his trance.

"Hmm?" he grunted, still staring out the window with his back to her.

"I…I…just got… threatened" she gulped with fear. "There was… this man..." Sweeney turned around and looked at her, his expression half with interest and half with remaining burning hatred.

"What did this man say?" Sweeney said.

"'E said 'e wanted 'alf me profit… or 'e's gonna rape me." She had tears flowing down her face from the memory of the assertive cockney gangster.

"And what did 'e look like?" Sweeney said again, but with the tiniest hint of comfort, which even in her state surprised Mrs Lovett.

"'E... 'e 'ad a top 'at on… and 'e... was green" Sweeney gave her a strange look "and 'ad a big polo on 'is eye."

"What?" he said almost sarcastically.

"'E 'ad a big polo on 'is eye… and little polos on 'is 'at!"

"You're mad, woman."

"'E was minty!" she cried even more.

Sweeney growled "I've 'ad enough of this woman, get out!"

"Please! Listen to me! I'm not mad!" she pleaded sobbing. Sweeney put his hand on her shoulder and tried to escort her out his door. She eventually ran out crying and scurried into her shop. Locking the door from the outside world.

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Mrs Lovett the poor dear! Ah well, next chapter coming tomorrow! Please keep R&R'ing xD


	3. Extorting Part One

**_Victorian Nonsense_**

Oh dear, poor Mrs Lovett seems to be in a pickle!

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Serving her last customer of the day, Mrs Lovett sighed and slumped down on one of the chairs in her restaurant. Her mind was busy with working out how many pies she had sold and the array of Sweeney's "customers" she had to hack up tonight that she had totally forgotten about her warning from The Hitcher. She stood up and went to flip the "open" sign to "closed" when suddenly the same flash of lightning struck the shop windows and once again the dark silhouette appeared. Mrs Lovett screamed and tried to run into the back of the shop but The Hitcher appeared out of nowhere right in front of her blocking her way.

"Ba-hahaha" he let out his cockney laugh. Mrs Lovett stood there trapped, trembling and wide-eyed in fear.

"I…I… 'ave your money…" she stuttered and fidgeted getting out a handful of notes from her cleavage.

"Aaah, that's the bee's knees! Right, I'll be back to-morrah! And remembah if yah don't give me 'alf of tha profit, I'll stab ya in the charlies wiv' me screwdrivah!"

He strode out the shop and a dog walked in his way, which he kicked. And then suddenly he vanished with a 'poof' of black and green minty smoke.

Mrs Lovett felt relieved that he was gone, but was angry that he was extorting her like this.

"This has to stop" she thought.

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Somebody please review! =P


	4. A Visit From The UberFeminine ManMan!

**_Victorian Nonsense_**

Bloody hell, does anyone understand how hard it is to type up a story and listen to annoying people tut and wheeze and talk quietly? Chapter four =P I don't own any of the characters.

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Mrs Lovett tried to talk to Sweeney, but he just mumbled things like "bloody mad woman" and "stupid bitch" which only upset her more. She knew she had to be strong so she kept it inside.

Looking through the money she had earned in the day she realised she didn't earn enough probably because of that new Pie King across the street. There were hardly any customers that day and she didn't have enough to give The Hitcher his slice of the earnings.

The door swung open and what looked like a transvestite walked in holding a cigarette holder and wore oversized sunglasses which were a total anachronism in zis story.

Helloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hello."

It approached the front counter; Mrs Lovett had an eyebrow raised (then Helena realised that Tim directed her not to move her hyperactive eyebrows so it went back to normal).

"My name is Turpinorrrr" said the tight-panted feminine man-man. "I was looking for a barber to shave my stub- err... legs and then I can practice my nasally seduction on whimsical men and men-ladies"

"I don't think 'e shaves legs" said Mrs Lovett, wary of the fact that her beloved sexy Sweeney-pie might be seduced away by an unusually fabulous looking Man-thing of high class.

"No price is high enough for me; I am a skilled widowist needing lovesqueezins!" Its lip trembled.

"Do we look like a bloody brothel?!" Mrs Lovett said angrily, and then something in her mind clicked.

"Hmm, I could get a lot of money this way, and I need lovesqueezins too" she thought concocting a Sweenettish and slightly à la _Wings of the Dove_ plan in her mind.

"I'm sorry, I suppooooooose that I'll have to go to another barber-"

"No, we do perform those services sir…err…madam…"

"Gooooood, then I'll check back laterz. Aaaaaaaaaadios!" Then it hopped out the shop with a giggle.

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What a random chapter. R&R or the Hitcher will stab ya in the gums with a screwdriver, he knows what he's doing!


	5. Toby's Downpour

**_Victorian Nonsense_**

Yes Emma, he WAS minty! Bahahaha xP Chapter 5, I don't own the characters maybe except from Turpinoorrrrrr of course ;)

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After Madam Turpinor left, Mrs Lovett decided to lock herself in the bakehouse to think about the offer and frantically lose herself in chopping up meat from a few customers that Sweeney had "shaved". She left Toby in the shop to clean up after a flour bag had strangely exploded and told him not to let _anyone _in, especially a green man with polo's on his top hat. Even innocent little Toby thought she was acting strange.

He messily wiped up some soggy flour from the worktop when a harsh cockney voice startled him.

"'Allo squire."

Toby jumped and then turned around to see the same green man Mrs Lovett told him about.

""'who… who is you?" he said frightened.

"I'm your very own peppermint nightmare lad" The Hitcher said with a creepy grin that made Toby feel even more uneasy.

"The shops closed… no one's allowed in…" Toby said, trying to sound professional.

"Say's who squire?"

"Mrs Lovett say's that's wot" Toby said, naively trying to stand his ground.

"The scruffy little woman who runs the shop? Some dandy good pies. Almost as good as Elsie's eels boy!"

"We're not servin' any more pies today mista'"

"Ah, it's not pies I'm wantin' boy. I'm 'ere to collect me money!"

"Wot money? We ain't givin' you any money"

"Very well then boy!" The Hitcher leant back and a huge jet of turquoise pee hit Toby square in the face making him fly into the adjacent wall, the wee-wee jet pinning him to the wall.

"Aaaaaaahhh, that's tha ticket! Feel my wee-wee jet boy!" The Hitcher said satisfied. About thirty seconds later, the pee slowed down a bit and Toby slumped down onto the floor unconscious. With a shake he stopped peeing and let out his harsh cockney laugh again.

Walking towards the shop door he said "I'll be back tomorrah!" and vanished with a poof of black and green minty smoke.

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The wrath of the wee-wee jet! Beware! =P R&R you fabulous fuckers! xD


	6. Someone Needs a Bath!

_**Victorian Nonsense**_

Chapter 6 already, I have no life which is fun when you're insane!

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After a few hours, an exhausted Mrs Lovett returned from the bakehouse stinking of human flesh and work to find an unconscious Toby lying on the floor covered in minty turquoise piss.

She gasped. "TOBY! Get off the floor; ya shouldn't be drinking at this time!" She ran into her living room and realised that the bottle of gin was full so he couldn't have gotten drunk. She got a blanket instead and put it over him.

"Just you sit there and I'll go fetch Mista' Todd" She scurried up the stairs to the dank barber shop.

Toby woken up a little feeling very groggy. "Oh no, Mrs Lovett thought I been drinkin'! I'm gonna get in trouble" remembering she said something about Mr Todd. He got up quickly and sat nervous on one of the restaurant seats.

About thirty seconds later, Mrs Lovett returned with an angry looking Sweeney.

"What's 'appened boy?" he growled.

"I… I was cleanin' the shop and this man came in. And 'e was green."

Sweeney rolled his eyes. "The bloody boy is goin' mad too" he thought.

"What did 'e do to ya?" Mrs Lovett said worriedly.

"'e took a piss on me ma'm!"

"What?!" Sweeney and Mrs Lovett both exclaimed at the same time.

"'e…'e wanted money, and I said I wouldn't give it to 'im so 'e did a massive piss on me!"

They both noticed he was covered in smelly green liquid and Mrs Lovett thought maybe this was true, however, Sweeney thought the disturbed boy had fallen over and the knock on the head made him wet himself.

"Did 'e 'ave a big polo on 'is eye Toby?" Mrs Lovett inquired.

"Yeah, and little polo's on 'is 'at!" he squeaked.

"See Mista' Todd, I'm not mad! This man is real!" Mrs Lovett said to Sweeney who snarled and strode angrily out the shop.

"The bloody woman and boy are driving _me_ bloody mad!" he mumbled to himself, shutting himself in his shop and locking himself in. Returning to his murderous brooding fantasy world.

Mrs Lovett sat down next to Toby.

"So… what did 'e say to ya?" she asked.

"Well, 'e came in 'ere and asked for the money but I wouldn't give it to 'im."

"That's a good lad, but if 'e comes in 'ere again you shout for Mista' Todd alright? I don't want you getting 'urt."

"Alright ma'm" He nodded.

"Let's get you a nice warm bath, clean ya up a bit." She got up and went into the back where the house part and bathroom were. Toby followed.

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Does anyone get the urge to shout "AND THEN THE LARGE WOMEN" during awkward silences? I do. R&R please. X]


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